you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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