can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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