do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
