I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
