My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
