why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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