Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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