i would punch a child for taco bell
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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