Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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