I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
