they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
