Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
