turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
