haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
