i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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