Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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