When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
