if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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