wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
