im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
