She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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