Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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