Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
