So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
