woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
