you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
