Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
