please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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