this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
