Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
