I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
