Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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