Soap is not a condiment
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
