Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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