i think my tv is drunk
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
