I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
