Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
