I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
