I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
