god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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