pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
