Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
