My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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