Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
