I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
