why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
