WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
