I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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