I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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