Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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