My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
