i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
